I can’t be the only mother out there who, sometimes, just simply wants to scream and hide in the bathroom for an hour or two. I can’t be the only one who craves 24 hours of sleep, peace, and indulging in all things bad for me. I always feel incredibly selfish after the feeling goes away, after I catch my head and realize how blessed I am.
Some days I find myself resenting my family. I have literally woken up, grabbed a leftover chicken wing from the fridge for breakfast, and hauled a cranky baby to the car. Only to sit in my car and think about the times when I ate a real breakfast.
At work, I miss my family. I can’t wait to be home with them and watch movies together or play. But…after a long day of working with 4 year olds, coming home to your family isn’t always relaxing. You want to play solitaire on your phone, in a bubble bath for 3 hours, with an entire bottle of wine until you fall asleep. You don’t want to worry about making sure everyone is fed, bathed, and put to bed before yourself. You don’t want to worry about clothes being clean for the next day, the lunches to be fixed, or if their teeth are brushed. You don’t want to do anything. You want to be selfish and lay there and, well, ignore them. This is why I stay up late.
But I can’t be the only one who feels this way until the guilt creeps up inside of you. Guilt that eats at you and makes you feel like dirt on the ground for even allowing thoughts such as these to cross your mind. How blessed am I, to have a man who loves me, a toddler who needs me, and a family whose love makes me whole? Without them, sure, I’d have alone time. I’d have 3 hour, uninterrupted baths. I’d have wine on end, watching every life time movie on TV. I’d never complain about being tired because I’d get just the right amount of sleep each night.
But I wouldn’t be me. I would lose the two most important people that make up the woman I am. The woman they love, the woman they need. I’ll miss these days of bathing, eating, and getting to bed last. I’ll yearn for them as if they never bothered me at all.
So for now, I’ll take my fruit loops in the tub before bed because I’ve already saved the food. I’ll be tired a few more years, because I choose to stay up late for a few moments of sanity. I’ll soak this up like sponge until I can’t anymore. I’ll eat breakfast for dinner and dinner for breakfast, because these are the best years of my life.