Suicide

A broad title for a broad subject. 

For a 21 year old, I’ve experienced more cases of suicide in some shape or form,  than anyone should. Between 2007 and now, I can probably count on 3 sets of hands how many people I know that’s died from this. I’ve talked someone out of it, prayed for those contemplating .  

Three that were especially and completely life altering for me:

  • 2007- a childhood friend hung himself at his middle school. For a 12 year old, this was mind blowing. I had never experienced anything like it. I cried for months and got to the point where I didn’t even know why I was crying anymore. I didn’t know if I was truly still mourning the loss of a friend…or still scared that this was a thing. This was something people did. This is what people did when it was too much to handle. For some this was a solution, a last resort. 
  • 2015- my dad’s best friend shot himself in the woods. I knew him as family. His family WAS my family and we were theirs. This shook my world from the bottom, up. The most horrifying tragedy I didn’t see coming. I still feel like I see him places, like he’s suppose to show up at events we go to. The happiest man I knew. Or atleast I thought. This also occurred in the midst of a break up with the father of my child. Although we have worked things out and are together now, he { dad’s friend } isn’t here. I can’t help but wonder had I not been so wrapped up in my own problems if we would’ve been more prone to seeing his. But that’s how everyone feels after suicide enters their world through the life of another. 
  • 2016- mine. My personal definition for this word is: the act of one taking their own life due to illness and depression taking over their emotional state. Depression is an illness. It’s a life altering, horrific state of mind that I wouldn’t wish on my own enemy. Having dealt with depression myself, I believe a person considering or acting on thoughts of suicide is…ill. They’re sick. They’re hopeless. They’re suffering. They’re  craving a way out. They truly believe no one out there is for them, with them. They believe everyone is against them and their self worth is destroyed beyond repair. And it’s not their fault. They didn’t ask for it, they didn’t make themselves that way. I know this because I’ve been there. No one close to me knows this; but I’ve contemplated, I’ve planned. I’ve done everything but act. But more than anything, I was a coward. I didn’t have it in me to pull a trigger, take that last step. But I’m glad I didn’t. But I prayed, I moved forward. I focused on those around me, those who need me here.  I don’t think depression ever truly goes away. There’s a scar left that’s sensitive to the touch. Triggers that set you back and bring it all back in front of you, a pain that could bring you to your knees. But I got through it by the grace of God and between my boys and my family, I have everything to live for.

I read a verse today and the devotion with it said that praying for change but putting forth zero action…does nothing. That God can be calling you to change someone’s life and is waiting for you to decide to act. The first and only thing I could think of was how I could possibly change someone’s mind. 

Everyone says “you’re worth it”, “you have so many people who love you”, “come to me if you ever have these thoughts”. My favorite is “I wish you would have come to me”. This is usually after the act of suicide is finalized. How many times may that person have tried coming to you? Not many people will blatantly come out and say “I want to kill myself.” But rather come to you for a friend, a shoulder, a solitude. 

A friend of mine sent me a song to listen to after Chris and I had split and my dad’s friend had died. She didn’t know how I was feeling, just figured I needed my spirits lifted. She told me, “something told me you needed this.” And boy was she right. Now…I’m a Christian, but I’m not “devote” as some would say. I knew then and there God was present in my friend. I had tears in my eyes and if I hadn’t been driving I would have been on my knees. If you’re ever depressed, whether you are spiritually involved with the Lord or not, listen to this song. 

—- Just Be Held By Casting Crowns. 

Please, please let me know if that song has any effect on you, as it did for me.

Suicide is no one’s fault. Someone can be suffering right in front of you, and you may not see a single sign. Battling this devil inside their brains, desperate for a way to end the despair. Open your heart, your mind. Be a friend. Tell someone you love them. Try like hell to remove that pain. 

I can only hope to impact someone seeing this as their only option. 

No one deserves to lose themselves in their pain. No one deserves suicide as a part of their life. 

Image: canstockphoto

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